Grief Seasons
Grief Winter Blues
Death stole my husband three days before his birthday, one month before the festive holidays. When my husband, Louis, died, there was no one in my circle of friends who had lost a spouse. It was hard watching people around me engage in all of the things my life that I was now void of having.
When your soulmate dies, you lose pieces of yourself. Everything you dreamed of accomplishing together comes to a screeching halt—pieces of your life and heart are slowly chipped away. What remains gradually begins to fade away during the grief process. A process you will eventually learn never leaves you. Over time you learn to normalize the pain while discovering ways to dull the razor-sharp pain that stabs at your heart.
The truth is life will never go back to the way it used to be, nor will you. At first, the loneliness feels like a brisk cold winter that never ends. You begin to feel trapped inside of your mind, like being trapped inside of your home during a blizzard. You join support groups; you share your grief experience with others, you write journals, you may even seek counseling. You desperately try anything to feel the warmth of the life you previously knew. Your thoughts are whimsical; the brain fog keeps you from being able to concentrate on minimal tasks. No matter what you are doing, your mind always travels back to love. It warms you. It stains your pillow with tears. It even angers you, making you feel abandoned by your loved one. When you can quiet grief storm, love rock you fast asleep while vivid memories of our loved one flash across your subconscious mind.
Grief Rejuvenates in Spring
Then Spring comes. You welcome the warmth from the sun. However, Sprig angers you because everything is blooming around you, making you feel like a wilted flower. You walk steadfastly through Spring, hoping it will rejuvenate your spirit, but it doesn’t. Spring becomes a constant reminder that you are now alone in a world that feels dark and cold. The beauty of love can be seen all around you. You see couples holding hands, children riding their bicycles, the father mowing his grass, the grandparents sitting on the porch-rocking in the rocking chair. All of these visions become subtle reminders of the way life used to be before death snatched your loved one away. The changing of the leaves in Spring makes you feel unsettled, gloomy, and in a weird daze that seems to follow you wherever you go.
Grief Swirls Around In Summer
The Summer days are a little more refreshing than the Spring nights. You find yourself surveying the land, trying to admire its beauty. You feel the urge to plant flowers-wanting and needing to see something beautiful grow again. You realize that time moves on, but there are still reminders of your loved one all around you. Summer allows you to reflect on that last vacation you took together, or the funny movie you watched, or that friend’s wedding you were able to attend together. Summer even reminds you of all the plans you were making for the future. The memories of love and laughter begin to fill your heart with joy. You write down all of the ways you can honor love, how you will carry love. Your mind is now racing with ideas on how to memorialize the love-to keep parts of it alive.
Grief Falls Flatfooted
When Fall arrives, you are equipped to handle the storm. You realize that although you have been knocked down many times by the tsunami of grief, you were able to get back up. You stand flatfooted as the waves of grief come crashing down of you. You know what it feels like to have a grief attack and how to breathe your way through it. Ultimately you learn to channel that quiet space in your mind that allows you to travel back to love; when it was quiet and still. Gratitude now returns to your heart. You discover that grief is loved unfinished and that just like you carried love in your heart, you will carry grief. You are no longer afraid of griefs storms. Although its tumultuous winds blow you around from time-to-time, you know that the storm that rages within can be calmed by quietly whispering, “Although it hurts that you are gone, I’m going to press my way through grief storm, life moves on, but the love we shared will never be forgotten.” As the leaves begin to fall off of the trees and prepare for Winter, you realize that you have made it through the first year.
By The Indomitable Widow